In the December 2005 edition of Business 2.0, Jim Collins shares a story that changed his life. While teaching at Stanford, Jim Gardner, an author and civic leader, was Jim Collins’ mentor. One day Gardner said, “It occurs to me, Jim, that you spend too much time trying to be interesting. Why don’t you invest more time being interested?”
Being interested in others flips your perspective from yourself to the world around you. It helps you to become more attuned to others and a better participant in your environment.
Jim Collins goes on to say in the article:
If you want to have an interesting dinner conversation, be interested. If you want to have interesting things to write, be interested. If you want to meet interesting people, be interested in the people you meet—their lives, their history, their story. Where are they from? How did they get here? What have they learned? By practicing the art of being interested, the majority of people can become fascinating teachers; nearly everyone has an interesting story to tell.
The Trap
All too often we think that the more interesting we are, the more others will be interested in us. It makes sense, right? By appearing to have impressive skills or to have accomplished incredible feats we’ll seem alluring and naturally attract people to us. Look no further than celebrities and professional athletes. Considered by popular society to be some of the most fascinating people in the world, they have others ogling over them all the time.
To further exemplify this belief that it’s important to be interesting, look to Dos Equis and its famous marketing campaign. They created a fictitious character dubbed “The Most Interesting Man in the World” to sell more beer.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
– How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie
Being interesting can work, but it requires much more effort. And it’s fraught with pitfalls that are all too easy to fall into, such as arrogance and self-indulgence. Also, being interesting is a short-term game; don’t expect it to pay off for long.
Being interested, on the other hand, is easier and much more effective. The main strategy here is to find something that the other person has a fascination with or passion for. Don’t know much about that topic? No problem. Simply inquire with genuine curiosity and interest. You won’t be a burden or appear dumb; others delight in telling about themselves and discussing what interests them. This is part of the reason why we form tribes: everyone wants to talk about what interests them, so it makes sense for people to group based on areas of shared interest.
The Byproduct of Being Interesting
Reframing your approach to conversations not only improves your conversations, it also has an ironic byproduct. By being genuinely interested in others, others will find you more interesting.
This phenomenon parallels a quote by Henry David Thoreau about happiness in which he equates it to the elusiveness of a butterfly. In endeavoring to seem interesting, others will not think you so. But by redirecting your efforts into being interested in them, they will then find you interesting.
Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will evade you, but if you notice the other things around you, it will gently come and sit on your shoulder.
Maya Angelou understood this phenomenon when she said that people will forget what you said and what you did, but they will never forget the way you made them feel. That’s precisely the power behind being interested in others: you are making them feel good. The more and better you can do that, the more people will associate you with good feelings.
Summing it up, Jim Collins puts it well in that same 2005 Business 2.0 article. By placing our interest in others, life becomes much more interesting.
I can’t say that I live this rule [being interested rather than interesting] perfectly. When tired, I find that I spend more time trying to be interesting than exercising the discipline of asking genuine questions. But whenever I remember Gardner’s golden rule—whenever I come at any situation with an interested and curious mind—life becomes much more interesting for everyone at the table.
