Words matter. It’s easy to chalk little things up to semantics, but it is powerful to use the correct word and apply it in our daily lives. One such instance is with the words ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’. People often assume that guilt and shame are “bad” or even synonymous with each other, but that’s incorrect. There is a clear distinction between these two emotions: one of them is constructive and the other one is destructive.
Let’s break down both of these emotions to better distinguish between them in our minds.
Guilt
Guilt is when you feel bad about something you have done or said, or even something you have failed to do or say. It’s the psychological discomfort when our actions fail to live up to our values. The important distinction with guilt is that it focuses on behavior rather than self. Common ways guilt manifests itself is in saying “I did something bad” or “ I made a mistake”. Focusing on behavior and comparing your actions against your values is a useful and adaptive strategy. It is a form of self-reflection that allows you to identify discomfort from any dissonance between your actions and values. Then, you can use that discomfort as motivation to change and channel it into doing better and being better.
Shame
Brené Brown, a researcher-storyteller who has studied shame extensively, defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” We all know the terrible, warm wash of shame as it takes over our bodies. It often leads us to feel either immobilized or ready to lash out at others. The important distinction with shame is that it focuses on self rather than behavior. Common ways shame manifests itself is in saying “I am bad” or “ I am a mistake”. This is at the heart of the darkness in shame because it gives the impression that you are inherently bad and incapable of change; neither is true nor productive.
Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.
Brené Brown
The Antidote to Shame
To combat shame we must first know how shame thrives. Shame needs three things to grow exponentially in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment. The language of shame is silence. The less you talk about shame the more shame you have. Ultimately, this all comes down to you buying into the belief that you are alone.
If shame thrives in silence, then the antidote lies in speaking your shame. Shame cannot survive empathy and understanding. So the answer lies in calling on your courage to tell the truth of who you are with your whole heart. It’s easy to tell the good stuff but it’s even more important we own the bad stuff too. Because once you claim the shame it dissolves and you can get on with the work of improvement
If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.
Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown
Mindset Matters
A useful mindset in combating shame and shifting towards guilt is viewing reality as events rather than things. Perceiving the world in terms of things often leads to thinking it is fixed or static. This is more conducive to shame and thinking you are inherently bad, and there is nothing you can do about it.
Events, on the other hand, are dynamic. They are experienced, not owned. This allows more flexibility in your view of the world and yourself. It also helps with the realization that you have more control over the events in your life than you think. Ultimately, this leads to the crucial understanding that you are capable of growing and changing.
Thinking of the world as a collection of events, of processes, is the way that allows us to better grasp, comprehend, and describe it. It is the only way that is compatible with relativity. The world is not a collection of things, it is a collection of events.
The Order of Time, by Carlo Rovelli
Conclusion
Distinguishing between guilt and shame is imperative to live healthier, more connected lives. One is empowering and restorative. The other is harmful and limiting. One of the simplest ways to remind yourself of the difference between them is:
Guilt = I did something bad
Shame = I am bad
Shame is visceral and uncomfortable. It is a destructive emotion. But shame is also universal. Something that connects us. Every human can empathize with the feeling of being suffocated by shame. So in some ways, it’s rather poetic that the antidote lies in speaking our shame and connecting with others.
Imagine a world soaked in empathy rather than shame. What a beautiful, productive place that would be. So go forth into the world calling upon your courage to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. To strive for an open dialogue about shame so that you can eradicate it in favor of more productive emotions. So that you can continue to do better and be a better you.
You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.
Brené Brown
